My Dirty 🙊 imagination list./ My Problem list. 

.I am not ashamed of my feelings….but I am always confused. 

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I am  a deep thinker….my thoughts have no limits…sometimes it’s goes into such a pit that it’s difficult for me to come out. 

There  are reasons behind these kinds of thoughts…it’s actually because I can’t stop thinking about others.  My thoughts get influenced by the judgemental feeling of those around me.

I don’t want to judge others but when l see the consequences…. I start making predictions which almost/ nearly gets true. It’s one of my power. 

For example: –

  •  1)I made predictions about separation of two  persons (hint)🤔 . They are not happy together.  My judgement was made on basis of their behaviour…and I am feeling guilty as if ;it was I who separated them. 
  • 2) It is about my own sister….you know once she told me. I have no right  to write about her personal life.  And I think it’s right . I should not write ..but the only thing is I care about her….and I can’t see her being dumped once again. 

My own personal life is also a mess.  I have done so many mistakes…”it’s true! I have no right to judge.” But they are just my views…I am not ashamed of my feelings….but I am always confused. That is the reasons I have question Mark ?  expression in my face every time. 

I know ; I have less number of readers…but it would be interesting if any of them could just  share there experiences with me regarding the following questions: –

  1. Have you ever  fall in one-sided love? 💘
  2. If you  never had desire  to be kissed? 💏
  3. Always fall for wrong person.
  4. Have  you been dumped more than twice? 🖓
  5. Feelings cheated by life.👎👎 
  6. Want to kill someone  very badly. 🗡🗡
  7. Your boss never gives you holiday. 📉📆🗒
  8. Your crush loves someone else. 😝🙏
  9. Don’t want to get married. 💝💝
  10. Want to get power to control your life. 
  11. Want to have money without hard work  

Hope some of you comment/inbox/ email  me at- anelife16@gmail.com  

Or Mycovertlife.wordpress 

To help me out. 

PS :- Wishing happy Diwali in advance. 💣💣

 

MY B’Day diary 

Saale kisi ko bhi mera birthday Yaad nhi)  Facebook main alert ka wait kyu karte hai.

One whole day/ night  and some truth.

Ok I don’t know how many of you will going read this…but this post is  actually about my views towards life. I am writing this post at 10:40…pm at eve of my birthday…which means after just few hour l will be 26yr. 

When I write 26…I actually feel awkward as it mean l am 26yr old person but by heart I am just 15…I am still trying to sort out things… well about statement which I made about my heart being 15 is utter lie… I am actually 26yr  and I also think like 26yr…but sometimes I behave like 10 years 😆😆.

Ok let just come to main subject of my post… I was thinking that when we grow up we start knowing people and how one person could be different from other…

Last year, I was feeling little low about how my life is now totally changed and I am left alone. 

This year the ..thing is ; I want to hide…because I don’t want to meet anyone new …I have started hating actual world…..
I see truth of life…and I feel everything thing is vain. 

There are reasons behind such feelings. 

A man gets married because,  he wants cook /maid/wife/ for himself.  Means woman is still secondary element.

A woman gets married because she don’t want to be single for life time and want a  ATM  …who should support her and her family and still want to live her life like free woman. 

A boss is always right…a even though we know sometimes he is wrong . (By his thought) 

People know about your difficulty ;but can’t help you because ,they don’t want to and want to be safe

Money is every thing…it make wrong people,right. 

You can’t help others unless you help yourself. 


Above points are some bitter truth I recently observed…and there are more…. but you know I am lazy in explaining everything  . It just that I  know; I have to live life this way…I can turn things better only when I turn them good for me. 

And what about the other half of my life….like what about my love interest, my family etc…

The things are good means I am not thinking too deeply now a days….because one day everyone has to die

7 AM 

I slept…..it’s morning now. And it’s my birthday! Yes, I am waiting for my birthday wishes. My colleagues  have no idea about my birthday…wondering whether I should treat them or not. 

It depends whether they know about it or not..

In fact  my own father had not wished me…but he loves me and that’s why he is living with me.

Which reminds me something which my boss said-“ when you go home(room)? Do You cook  your own meal??” it was a question. Because he knows I don’t know how to cook properly. 

Then it suddenly strike in my head “why is it expected that woman should  always be  good @cooking or should know how to cook”.

I could have said something witty, but as usual   I smile and said “my father helps me to cook ”.

Why don’t these men (Men who don’t believe in equity ) understand that the  world is changing. Household responsibilities are not only for women but also for men.

12 PM 

Guess what? Not a good day so far.

I got wishes from my mom and one of sister friend whom I consider as sister. But no wishes from my friends…although they are liking my profile pic in Facebook. 😆😆iss ke alwa bhi kuch karate nhi. 

1:30 pm 

Dozing like anything…

I want to leave.. but😜 I can’t leave my work  .

10:PM 

I am finally at home with My family. I back to myself….

So, it’s ending of the day… almost end of birthday and still waiting for more(or less expected once ) wishes   … may be tomorrow some confused people will wish me…I realize even if I try too much; it’s  hard to create my place in their heart.  I don’t worth it.   So for those who still think about me and care for me. I am  there in hearts. 😏😶. I love them…they know.

P.S.1 I hate my so called crush, boyfriend, and friends (Saale kisi ko bhi mera birthday Yaad nhi)  Facebook main alert ka wait kyu karte hai.😛😛😛

P.S. 2 I am actually feeling bad and I wish I could say something mean to them.  

Remembering the past you.(open letter).

Please, don’t consider my feelings…when you  read it. They always change.

psd copyI have so many times mentioned you in my post directly and indirectly. I don’t know sometimes it is intentionally, and sometimes it is not. But you are always there…..

Last time; when, we met. you asked me something. You asked me “why you?” and I said “it was our age of stupidity.”

I always ask this question to myself, that why I have fallen for you…and guess what? there are things, which makes you different; but still the question remain still “unanswered.”

You already know that I am very much infatuated with you.
So, here are somethings which I want to check once again.

  • I found you very amusing from very beginning. I don’t know why I easily gets distracted by you.
  •  From the time, I confessed my feelings for you till now….there are many minor details..I still remembered about you.
  •  I still remember idiots things…..you have done and many things which are told about you.
  •  Remembering good thing about you makes me happy.
  • I still have your letters inside my wardrobe and I consider them very  precious…. (feeling like they are love letters….)
  •  I remember once; I wrote lyrics of a song I dedicated to you….and one of the song is from movie ‘jannat’ –“ha tu hai.”
  •   I don’t know why ? the time when I was holding grudge for you….I wanted to see you….even though I know that you were ignoring me.
  •  I took you as a challenge of my life and you know what  I am still battling.
  •  I made choice to move on…..but sometimes; I feel I am hooked to your memories…..
  •  It was you, who was my page turner. And you will be always ; my bookmark.
  • I don’t know about future ….but I know how to accept things. So, I know anything can change.

So, I know  you may be confused when you read it …. I still make things, not so easy.

Please, don’t consider my feelings…when you  read it. They always change.

  1. PS. It’s  dedicated ….and I can’t portrait you. Wishes! for your future.please don’t mind after reading it..

My life Progress 

A lot of things have also change in my personal life also… 

A lot of time we turn back to see how much ahead we have come.

A week before I once again started dating …and I know he (my secret boyfriend) feels it too….but he is little shy. 
https://anelife16.blogspot.in/2017/05/my-life-and-progression.html

Korean love stories made me draw

Things have changed …life review.

Hello reader, it took me long time to write something ethical….

Well! I am very much busy these days because it’s financial year ending. Many of you might be thinking what connection I am having with finance, so let me remind you that I am still working as trainee accountant….. And yes! I am still stuck…..although I don’t hate my job now….because now I have got use to it.

These days i am living alone…. and I don’t have a single human being around me  during times when I need them…. I am actually talking about my family and friends.

I don’t know what feelings are as I have turned into a robot who knows only about her works…

But I am enjoying this alone solitude time…..because no one cares whether I am sleeping or awake…..whether dying or living …I can do anything ….even dance naked !(just kidding…..but its truth )

I am living on my own….still lazy…..in cooking. (The reason I still want my mother to be with me is food because… I can’t cook well.)

These days music is my best friend…..it still helping me to survive.

I listen and download a new tracks everyday…. and I have become huge fan of Asian dramas which include Japan, Taiwanese, Thai, Korean Indian mix videos are my favorite…. Korean/Thai actors are really very cute and handsome….

I have prepared a list of series to see every day during my spare time…

  1. Full house Korean/Thai
  2. Playful kiss/ kiss me
  3. My little lover
  4. The girl and three sweethearts.

And there are more to watch….

Now about my personal love trouble….

I can’t love someone more than myself…I have learn this about myself…..

Going through one sided relationship doesn’t give much more than pain.

Although this time it was not hard because I was not serious from very beginning … I have already told vikas….my first preference is my career and my family which exactly same from his side for his family and himself.

I didn’t have much chance to know him…and yes! I am not ashamed to take his name….no code V this time.

It was not a serious  kind…of l0ve relationship…..just a trial date….which took….five years to understand that we couldn’t go together.

I know he will be annoyed ….but now who cares…. I am already a spoil brat.

I know describing your personal relationship in public is highly immature and a big stupidity…. but you know what ….my heart is really itching ….and I can’t control.

He compared himself with someone who was….

I can’t disclose…much ….it my fault and I am taking blame on my self….

I believe him as good friend…. and may be after reading all these things he may not consider me as one.

I do not hate him ….it’s that things have not gone far between us and I am thankful….

My last poem “thank god we never kissed” was dedicated to him….

PS…By the way vikas….if you are reading this….. I am sorry for mentioning you in public.

In real you don’t exist.!

In real you don’t exist.

I never got chance to hold you.!… To say “you are mine!”

Never got chance to “To just rest my head on your shoulder and cry…. Or pull your ears and laugh!”

Never ever I have ever hug you like my own personal toy…
Because you were never there…. You were just … My imagination!

In real you don’t exist!

Relationship Confusions

My life is turning into drama… Where I don’t know what next is going to happen…. Its so unpredictable! And I don’t know what I should do about it.I don’t have single close person who could just hear me…

So this is what actually happen…. 

In one of my previous post title one sketch and my thoughts . I post about- how my thoughts are occupied with thoughts of a person(lets call him- AT  for  less confusion.) I was editing /drafting  that post …2 days before my birthday.

(so obviously I don’t know whats going to happen on my birthday.)

Everybody have some expectations on their birthdays…. But my only expectations was people who  are close to me remember my birthday.. Without the Facebook alert/notification…

And  I did got wishes….. AT was one them who wished me… 

I was like “OMG ! He knows my birthday date…”

When I was expecting birthday wishes from many  persons I didn’t expected him ..

I know …how wrong i was about him…I mean …I can’t change our past. But I also know…things are not same now.

I started comparison…. Comparison between AT and the person I am secretly dating..for 4/3 year. (lets call him Vx ).

 Vx was not able to wish me  because of some reason.   I was really upset…  

I was Questioning about my commitment!  “Is Vx  is right person for me? ” ( The fact is I am still questioning…. Because we have not talked for months    )   ” does he care, if i don’t talk to him?” 

And nowadays Vx is totally absent from my life…

I want to talk to him , want to make him  realise my frustration . But then I know he will not stop me from going away…because i have tried it many times…and every time I was the one who comes back to convince !

The fact is this time i am not even bothering him(Vx)…for keeping up this relations … Even if it  hurts ,which is better than feeling   sorry for yourself later.

Sometimes i feel maybe its my fault, because i am too much obsessed with AT ….that i didn’t able to give time to Vx.

I also feel that long distance relationship doesn’t last long unless ,both persons give their 100% efforts.. To maintain their relationship.

 i am too much confused…

I am at that point of my life where I want Stability in relationships….less drama and confusion.

I don’t want a relationships where i have too break someone heart or someone breaks my hope( because my heart is already broken twice 💔💔)
So this time my questions  to my reader…..

  1. Have you  ever been in this  Type of confusion where you don’t know what you should do?
  2. Have you ever misunderstood situations between you and your partner?
  3. If yes, how do you solve  your problems  ?
  4. What does it take to maintain a good relationship between you and your partner?
  5. If given chance do you want change your past mistake?
  6. Will You easily quit and move on ? ( I tried this once… But I am still there!)
  7. Will  you break up easily, if  you find .. Your life with  your partner is not going anywhere,? Or you put more efforts… To make it work,

PS :-Many of my well wishers suggested me that I should not discuss my personal problem in social sites… These well wishers don’t see my point of view.This blog is actually about my life .  I write blog post about those stories which actually happen in real life... Situations which can happen with anyone… 

Well!  I don’t care if people feel offended. I am not writing for them. I am doing it for myself.

For my satisfaction… 

So, I don‘t think I should explain more to them

date:- 18-10-16 


BigBigBigBig Big  Sharks and  a tiny fish.

You don’t ,know when your words cuts your own neck !

Have you ever thought what it is to  “live , like a fish”…?  

Well I too.. have never thought…,how fish live its life…only I used to sing that nursery rhythm – “Maachli jal ki raani hai..and jivan usaka paani hai”

But if ; now I want to give a metaphor about my current life situations…I find nothing more better than a fish life.

These  days I am struggling a lot. Some times I ..even feel helpless…. Like a fish who have to live in ocean with all kind of dangers.

I am that kind of tiny fish who have to fight and swim hard for it survival…. There are lot of Sharks   in my world… Who are danger and I have to use tricks to save my self….

There are friendly fishes too…. But unless we don’t have to fight for same food…   

Most of you  will not understand what I meant when I am saying these things-“unless you are working in corporate business office or in Govt. Offices.”

You don’t know  what  running in other persons mind when they approach you…until you see their true interest.

I have to think too much before  speaking up….

You don’t know, when your words cuts your own neck !

PS:- The best part is I am learning….even though somethings are tough. But it also mean I am becoming strong because no other options are left.

One sketch… and my thoughts.

I too have move ahead…. But this feeling of insecurity still last deep in my heart.

I am going through many changes in my life…
So , today post is about my covert thoughts.

I was suffering from cold fever …..and still I was working in office…. It was not that I had lot of work to do but then I have to complete my work any how.( if I could do all pending work.) But next day I became ill very badly …I hardly did any work.
I decided to take leave from work and I returned home  to my family.

After returning I was taking rest ,but my mind was still not in peace…. It was filled with all unnecessary thought..which also include his memories.
I don’t know why his thought came in my mind… May be because I was too much bore ; that I started writing an article  which, remind me of him.. Or ,may be because his memories are always part of  that unending disappointment.
* here ” his ” refers to a person(not so important  person) .
But still in depth of my heart I respect him because of those lessons which he taught me..

And then I saw something in FacebookI saw a sketch This sketch was made by him.. Yes he is a good artist… Another reason for my  adoring him secretly…
As I am also an amateur artist … I  always respect art.. But more than that I try to find feelings… Behind that art.

image

I have never been covert about my feelings.. So … I did what I felt.   And I liked it.👍… His sketch was really good…
I thought if… I could also make sketch like that… from my pen tab which was kept unused from one month..

I thought if I could ask – how does  he draw with such ease… My brain was very badly occupied with his  thought that I even dreamed about him.. that night..

Next morning when I wake up … the first thing I did was Facebook…. And once again I saw another sketch made by him…. This time I didn’t like it  … I don’t know why…  May be because I saw a feeling behind it… Instead I started reading all those comments with sketch… I  started searching for all those who all were tag  to that sketch….I don’t know why I was doing that….
He has drawn someone who is part of his life…
Why should I care too much…..

I too have move ahead…. But this feeling of insecurity still last deep in my heart.
Who ? cares about ,what I feel… Than why?
There are lot of things I still don’t understand…, I was really confused….
And   then I saw time in my phone…. It was 6 am in morning and I need to get up fast to get ready for work…. It was better to keep myself busy in work than ,thinking about some person who even don’t care if I exist..

I know I can’t escape many things in my life …but at least I am not hiding …

PS:-

I know many of you readers will be confused….but to understand this post you have go through all my earlier post.

There are many people in my life…. Who just say they love me but never been there when I want them.
I remembered him because he was honest to me and rejected me in my face.

****16-9-16  Some things are least expected…..
I am sorry… If I am being too upfront about my thoughts & beliefs….

But this post is sincerely about my thought…. Not to offend someone….art…. life anything related….
Well…mujhe abhi kuch din phele hi pata chala hai ki log mera blog seriously read karte h😁😁🙌

Thanks to all readers !