Remembering the past you.(open letter).

Please, don’t consider my feelings…when you  read it. They always change.

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psd copyI have so many times mentioned you in my post directly and indirectly. I don’t know sometimes it is intentionally, and sometimes it is not. But you are always there…..

Last time; when, we met. you asked me something. You asked me “why you?” and I said “it was our age of stupidity.”

I always ask this question to myself, that why I have fallen for you…and guess what? there are things, which makes you different; but still the question remain still “unanswered.”

You already know that I am very much infatuated with you.
So, here are somethings which I want to check once again.

  • I found you very amusing from very beginning. I don’t know why I easily gets distracted by you.
  •  From the time, I confessed my feelings for you till now….there are many minor details..I still remembered about you.
  •  I still remember idiots things…..you have done and many things which are told about you.
  •  Remembering good thing about you makes me happy.
  • I still have your letters inside my wardrobe and I consider them very  precious…. (feeling like they are love letters….)
  •  I remember once; I wrote lyrics of a song I dedicated to you….and one of the song is from movie ‘jannat’ –“ha tu hai.”
  •   I don’t know why ? the time when I was holding grudge for you….I wanted to see you….even though I know that you were ignoring me.
  •  I took you as a challenge of my life and you know what  I am still battling.
  •  I made choice to move on…..but sometimes; I feel I am hooked to your memories…..
  •  It was you, who was my page turner. And you will be always ; my bookmark.
  • I don’t know about future ….but I know how to accept things. So, I know anything can change.

So, I know  you may be confused when you read it …. I still make things, not so easy.

Please, don’t consider my feelings…when you  read it. They always change.

  1. PS. It’s  dedicated ….and I can’t portrait you. Wishes! for your future.please don’t mind after reading it..

Moon Light story 

There was a Ghost dancing  under the Moon Light

https://anelife16.blogspot.com/2017/03/moon-light.html

Imagine you are alone in night out at some place where you can’t imagine someone else to be. 

You are happy and feeling of ecstasy is running all over you.  You dance in that silent song only you could hear. You giggle and jiggle in your own laugh. Night at own is what you thought. 

But suddenly you turned around and shadow of someone unknown peeks at you.  And you lose the sudden  madness in you… Now you act sobber like nothing has happened ever and run down to your personal  corner. 

To scold yourself and assume that no one have notice your craziness. 

And if they have not remembered you they would Say –

“There was a Ghost dancing  under the Moon Light. “

Please the click

 above link if you want to read in full version  in  Hindi 
click

What if I have never met him?

While going through different posts and quotes I came across this pic… And lines on which I am stuck !  The person who change your life…. Or in other words who was turning point.

I started thinking about my life…. “. 

What if I have never met him?

 What if I never had crush on him?

What if my heart was never broken?

What if I never Stuck in any rebound relationship?

I started thinking about all my life these year’s……

And I don’t know…. If I could …..

PS:- What ever happening with us …..it is for some reason.

But we always ….thought what if? I have never met him…/her…,


Getting married to a stranger

It’s irony of life! Yes, I am talking about reality…..

I recently saw marriage photos of one of my friend…. I was excited ,and I wanted  to know with whom she got married too.

She was not a very close friend of mine, but as  I have known her for years … I thought she will  get married to her  long term boyfriend . But no! When I saw the photos I was surprised to see a  totally stranger person standing next her….( A total alter personality ..).

I thought may be  this was the reason she didn’t post anything about her marriage status!

Yes , a background story of every second girl in modern India ! Girls who  show off too much when they had a boyfriend…. With  personality of film star like Ranbir Singh! But finally get married to some one like Jetha lal( common looking man) who have good bank balance.

This is just one phase… of truth. But there is one other side …  i.e. Expectations from  life! We expect too much but we gets what we actually deserve.

 Ps:- I saw this…reality of life many times!  Sometimes we  can’t get married to some one whom we like / love… Because after knowing the reality, we already want to quit that relationship  which is lack of trust and full of  drama.

This could be my story also…. May be I will get married to some one… Who is totally stranger person to me… Some one for whom I don’t even feel.

Relationship Confusions

My life is turning into drama… Where I don’t know what next is going to happen…. Its so unpredictable! And I don’t know what I should do about it.I don’t have single close person who could just hear me…

So this is what actually happen…. 

In one of my previous post title one sketch and my thoughts . I post about- how my thoughts are occupied with thoughts of a person(lets call him- AT  for  less confusion.) I was editing /drafting  that post …2 days before my birthday.

(so obviously I don’t know whats going to happen on my birthday.)

Everybody have some expectations on their birthdays…. But my only expectations was people who  are close to me remember my birthday.. Without the Facebook alert/notification…

And  I did got wishes….. AT was one them who wished me… 

I was like “OMG ! He knows my birthday date…”

When I was expecting birthday wishes from many  persons I didn’t expected him ..

I know …how wrong i was about him…I mean …I can’t change our past. But I also know…things are not same now.

I started comparison…. Comparison between AT and the person I am secretly dating..for 4/3 year. (lets call him Vx ).

 Vx was not able to wish me  because of some reason.   I was really upset…  

I was Questioning about my commitment!  “Is Vx  is right person for me? ” ( The fact is I am still questioning…. Because we have not talked for months    )   ” does he care, if i don’t talk to him?” 

And nowadays Vx is totally absent from my life…

I want to talk to him , want to make him  realise my frustration . But then I know he will not stop me from going away…because i have tried it many times…and every time I was the one who comes back to convince !

The fact is this time i am not even bothering him(Vx)…for keeping up this relations … Even if it  hurts ,which is better than feeling   sorry for yourself later.

Sometimes i feel maybe its my fault, because i am too much obsessed with AT ….that i didn’t able to give time to Vx.

I also feel that long distance relationship doesn’t last long unless ,both persons give their 100% efforts.. To maintain their relationship.

 i am too much confused…

I am at that point of my life where I want Stability in relationships….less drama and confusion.

I don’t want a relationships where i have too break someone heart or someone breaks my hope( because my heart is already broken twice 💔💔)
So this time my questions  to my reader…..

  1. Have you  ever been in this  Type of confusion where you don’t know what you should do?
  2. Have you ever misunderstood situations between you and your partner?
  3. If yes, how do you solve  your problems  ?
  4. What does it take to maintain a good relationship between you and your partner?
  5. If given chance do you want change your past mistake?
  6. Will You easily quit and move on ? ( I tried this once… But I am still there!)
  7. Will  you break up easily, if  you find .. Your life with  your partner is not going anywhere,? Or you put more efforts… To make it work,

PS :-Many of my well wishers suggested me that I should not discuss my personal problem in social sites… These well wishers don’t see my point of view.This blog is actually about my life .  I write blog post about those stories which actually happen in real life... Situations which can happen with anyone… 

Well!  I don’t care if people feel offended. I am not writing for them. I am doing it for myself.

For my satisfaction… 

So, I don‘t think I should explain more to them

date:- 18-10-16 


BigBigBigBig Big  Sharks and  a tiny fish.

You don’t ,know when your words cuts your own neck !

Have you ever thought what it is to  “live , like a fish”…?  

Well I too.. have never thought…,how fish live its life…only I used to sing that nursery rhythm – “Maachli jal ki raani hai..and jivan usaka paani hai”

But if ; now I want to give a metaphor about my current life situations…I find nothing more better than a fish life.

These  days I am struggling a lot. Some times I ..even feel helpless…. Like a fish who have to live in ocean with all kind of dangers.

I am that kind of tiny fish who have to fight and swim hard for it survival…. There are lot of Sharks   in my world… Who are danger and I have to use tricks to save my self….

There are friendly fishes too…. But unless we don’t have to fight for same food…   

Most of you  will not understand what I meant when I am saying these things-“unless you are working in corporate business office or in Govt. Offices.”

You don’t know  what  running in other persons mind when they approach you…until you see their true interest.

I have to think too much before  speaking up….

You don’t know, when your words cuts your own neck !

PS:- The best part is I am learning….even though somethings are tough. But it also mean I am becoming strong because no other options are left.

Sunday Story….. Special

He was just a Crush

About my Sundays.

It was Sunday …. A usual Sunday.   Which mean Sunday Mass and prayers.
But for me it also meant a glimpse of someone…. Yes!  It is also a chance where I could see him. I know I have moved ahead …. Which means  I am not at all affected by those feelings… But still !…its like that ….if I  could see him.
Even though I am afraid… If I got caught staring him… I know he  will ignore…

“Dress normal… You are going for prayer”. This is what I said to myself.. “You are not going for seeking attention.”

And then after a while… When Mass get over… And people coming out of church. I wait….
I wait …if I could see him in this crowd..
I search for his face… In groups of people.. Every where…
But what  if he has not come ….
What if he has gone early… What if …..etc etc

And then I console myself …it’s good that I was not able to see him… You don’t feel anything … Why to be sad... He was just a Crush

PS:- Some times Sunday bring lot of memories… Specially I miss those Sunday class…. Although I was not sincere at that time….
This post is not about just one person…. It all about that time… and memories.**** post updated on 11-9-16

Feelings, not to feel !

But its not happiness you see!
It’s sympathy ,
It’s past ,

I have no feelings for you,
But I feel something  whenever I see you,
You are changed .
Staring secretly ,
It’s not you I see.
I am seeing those feelings.
That’s  the ego which you carry,
What’s grudging things I have  to carry.
It’s no matter ;
I have; already deal too  much.
And yes again ;when I see  you in that pain,
I could feel less.
But its not happiness you see!
It’s sympathy ,
It’s past ,
And feeling which not understood .
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व्यवहार कब बदलता है

जिसे जो समझना है वह वहीं समझेगा।

किसी व्यक्ति का व्यवहार आप के लिए कब बदलेगा ये कोई नहीं जानता। इसलिए मैंने  इस बात पर  ध्यान देना शुरू कर दिया   है कीं मेरा व्यवहार लोगों के लिए कैसा हैं।

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मैं अपने परिवार में सबसे  छोटी हूँ। मम्मी पापा  दीदी भईयाँ ने हमेशा दुलार में रखा।  मेरा व्यवहार भी इसी कारण  घर  में अलग हैं  और बाहर अलग। मैं घर पर एक अलग तरह का जीवन  से जीती हूँ -“बिदास” याने कोई रोक टोक नहीं। बाहर मेरा व्यवहार इसे कई ज़्यादा अलग हैं।
मैं जब तक किसी व्यक्ति को अच्छे से जानती नही,मैं  तब तक उस व्यक्ति से ज़्यादा बात नहीं करती।
मेरे इस व्यक्तित्व के कारण कई लोग मुझे गलत समझने लगते हैं।
मैं  कई बार कोशिश करती हूँ की मेरे व्यवहार के वजह  से मुझे कोई ग़लत ना समझे ,पर कभी-कभी ऐसी घटनाएँ होती हैं की आपका व्यवहार भी कोई मायने नहीं रखता। जिसे जो समझना है वह वहीं समझेगा।

इन दो महीनों में मेरे लिए लोगों का व्यवहार इतना बदला की  मुझे बहुत आश्चर्य हुआ। “क्या ये वही लोग हैं ?” मैं इन्हीं लोगों के सामने बड़ी हुईं ,खेली, मस्ती की , कई ग़लतियाँ  की , पर  इन लोगों को कोई फर्क नहीं पड़ा । क्योकि मैं उन लोगों के सामने होकर भी नहीं थी।  इन लोगों ने कभी मेरी उपेक्षा नहीं की , पर कभी भी मेरी तारीफ़ नहीं की। मुझे किसी लायक ही नहीं समझा गया।

पर अब सबका व्यवहार बदल गया हैं। सबसे ज़्यादा मेरे परिवार का , उनके लिए मैं अब बड़ी हो गई हूँ। वे मेरा ख़्याल अभी  भी रखते हैं , पर साथ में उनकी उम्मीदें भी मुझ से बढ़ गई हैं।
इन सबके साथ अब  वे लोग मुझ पे ध्यान देते हैं , जो मुझे देखकर रास्ता ही बदल लेते थे। जो लोग कभी मुझे से नज़र तक नहीं मिलाते थे ,अब सामने आते ही मुस्कराते हैं। अब मैं इनको नज़र आने लगी हूँ ।

अब मैं भी किसी से छुपकर नहीं रहती,अपने आप से भी नहीं ।
पता नहीं क्यों अब मुझे किसी बात से डर नहीं लगता । अब बस  मैं ईश्वर से दुआ करती रहती हूँ। जो होगा अच्छे के लिए होगा।
इसलिए अगर किसी का व्यवहार बदल जाए तो मैं उसके बारें ज्यादा आश्चर्य नहीं करती अब ,क्योंकि सब अच्छे के लिए होता हैं।

I am the under dog

After two weeks  of my new Job  this is what I found about myself -“I am not perfect”. Actually I am still an Under dog.
Whom ever I meet, they start measuring me. They judge  me ,even if  they don’t know me . They usually ask me to do things which  is perfect /right in their eyes.
Sometimes things turns more difficult until I make myself calm by saying “I am still learning.”

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So,this is what happening in my life.  I am struggling hard. And most difficult part is- “I  can’t even talk much about it.” 
You know talking about yours own problems will give others chance to laugh or to have pity on you.
I don’t want anyone to laugh or have pity on me.

The Good part is I know how to cope up with things and peoples. I am slow but I know how win.

PS:- I am going to change my language from English to Hindi.  My next post will be in Hindi.