Love should be real 

It shows your commitment…and that’s why I don’t trust you. 


A lot of times I wonder…will it matters to you.  Or how important I am in your life….I have accepted that it’s doesn’t matter how  much time we spend together. We are simply trying something to find in each other. 

Last time we spend  a little time together…you know it could be more of us together…if you haven’t went to play cricket…because I asked you in advance about your schedule. 
It shows your commitment…and that’s why I don’t trust you. please click here to read more 


Recently I was very much busy……in fact I am still busy .but as I was craving of  with something; I thought …I should write it … its actually one of my PMS symptoms you know..

Ok ….. It’s about men’s   all around me…

As you know last month was my birthday…most people around me didn’t even remember because they all depend on Face -book birthday alert…which I still hate…. I don’t know!  “How do people use to remember birthdays before FB came in existences.?”

I was disappointed by my friends…Specially some closed once  ,because I expected something from them. Even my boyfriend had no idea that it was my birthday. So ,I have to  punish him….  I didn’t talk to him for two weeks and basically ignored him.

I know, he didn’t got any hint …what’s  into me…or what is going on…so I just said “its September month!” …and then it strike him -what the reasons!   He said “I am sorry, I complete forgot”. I said “Ok, and ask him some time for me  . “

So, in last week what I did was visited him in  his place ….I talked with him for hours and I was satisfied… it was the thing I always  wanted to do … the best part was-  I saw his room …. I shared blanket with him…I clicked his unwashed face and captured some funny moments.

I don’t know whether he understands my feelings for him or not … but I actually love him for that very moment…although for short time…but I could have kissed him… I was enjoying that feeling of shyness.

After few hours I have to leave  … but I asked him next time I want a proper date…

So ,this is  how  finally I satisfied my birthday wish.

Next day was normal…everything went well…

There were some new fresher in my work place…all of them are men…It is nothing new for me…because I am only woman in office , I have got used to it…the  only problem is that they have not got used  to me…. I hate constant staring …. Like; I am monkey in a zoo. Yes, for them it might be difficult to accept that I am only woman officer other than maid/peon who dozes off in her chair.

I know after a year they will get use to me…if they want to  stay here longer.

So, everything went normal for two weeks… until first week of October …all stress and little bit miss understandings…

About…one thing was…I was missing someone very constantly  …I use to visit his profile very often…see all his likes/ unlike s…even traced out his recent dating stories…..(yes I am talking about my crush/friend)   things between us are sorted out … I just wanted to know -‘how he is doing…maybe he had find some person…yap still tab in’ .

The only thing which…matters for me…is I am happy…satisfied…and tired at same time…

PS :- I don’t know how I should talk with men’s around me … or how I should change their views…I am doing ,what can do…and that’s all.

Without a kiss 

When you are in a relationship ,a kiss is something by which you show your affection for that special person to whom you love . Obviously first you should be sure of that relationship.

When you are in a relationship ,a kiss is something by which you show your affection for that special person to whom you love . Obviously first you should be sure of that relationship.
I am in relationship with  a promise. Which  I  made.
Its my fault…I  could not blame anybody. I am seeing a person from last 5 years and I don’t know why there is no progress. Sometimes as woman I want more from this relationship but as I am still not sure about it. I can’t go any further…. 

   Please click on the link to read in detail.

Remembering the past you.(open letter).

Please, don’t consider my feelings…when you  read it. They always change.

psd copyI have so many times mentioned you in my post directly and indirectly. I don’t know sometimes it is intentionally, and sometimes it is not. But you are always there…..

Last time; when, we met. you asked me something. You asked me “why you?” and I said “it was our age of stupidity.”

I always ask this question to myself, that why I have fallen for you…and guess what? there are things, which makes you different; but still the question remain still “unanswered.”

You already know that I am very much infatuated with you.
So, here are somethings which I want to check once again.

  • I found you very amusing from very beginning. I don’t know why I easily gets distracted by you.
  •  From the time, I confessed my feelings for you till now….there are many minor details..I still remembered about you.
  •  I still remember idiots things… have done and many things which are told about you.
  •  Remembering good thing about you makes me happy.
  • I still have your letters inside my wardrobe and I consider them very  precious…. (feeling like they are love letters….)
  •  I remember once; I wrote lyrics of a song I dedicated to you….and one of the song is from movie ‘jannat’ –“ha tu hai.”
  •   I don’t know why ? the time when I was holding grudge for you….I wanted to see you….even though I know that you were ignoring me.
  •  I took you as a challenge of my life and you know what  I am still battling.
  •  I made choice to move on…..but sometimes; I feel I am hooked to your memories…..
  •  It was you, who was my page turner. And you will be always ; my bookmark.
  • I don’t know about future ….but I know how to accept things. So, I know anything can change.

So, I know  you may be confused when you read it …. I still make things, not so easy.

Please, don’t consider my feelings…when you  read it. They always change.

  1. PS. It’s  dedicated ….and I can’t portrait you. Wishes! for your future.please don’t mind after reading it..

Things have changed …life review.

Hello reader, it took me long time to write something ethical….

Well! I am very much busy these days because it’s financial year ending. Many of you might be thinking what connection I am having with finance, so let me remind you that I am still working as trainee accountant….. And yes! I am still stuck…..although I don’t hate my job now….because now I have got use to it.

These days i am living alone…. and I don’t have a single human being around me  during times when I need them…. I am actually talking about my family and friends.

I don’t know what feelings are as I have turned into a robot who knows only about her works…

But I am enjoying this alone solitude time…..because no one cares whether I am sleeping or awake…..whether dying or living …I can do anything ….even dance naked !(just kidding…..but its truth )

I am living on my own….still lazy… cooking. (The reason I still want my mother to be with me is food because… I can’t cook well.)

These days music is my best friend… still helping me to survive.

I listen and download a new tracks everyday…. and I have become huge fan of Asian dramas which include Japan, Taiwanese, Thai, Korean Indian mix videos are my favorite…. Korean/Thai actors are really very cute and handsome….

I have prepared a list of series to see every day during my spare time…

  1. Full house Korean/Thai
  2. Playful kiss/ kiss me
  3. My little lover
  4. The girl and three sweethearts.

And there are more to watch….

Now about my personal love trouble….

I can’t love someone more than myself…I have learn this about myself…..

Going through one sided relationship doesn’t give much more than pain.

Although this time it was not hard because I was not serious from very beginning … I have already told vikas….my first preference is my career and my family which exactly same from his side for his family and himself.

I didn’t have much chance to know him…and yes! I am not ashamed to take his name….no code V this time.

It was not a serious  kind…of l0ve relationship…..just a trial date….which took….five years to understand that we couldn’t go together.

I know he will be annoyed ….but now who cares…. I am already a spoil brat.

I know describing your personal relationship in public is highly immature and a big stupidity…. but you know what ….my heart is really itching ….and I can’t control.

He compared himself with someone who was….

I can’t disclose…much ….it my fault and I am taking blame on my self….

I believe him as good friend…. and may be after reading all these things he may not consider me as one.

I do not hate him ….it’s that things have not gone far between us and I am thankful….

My last poem “thank god we never kissed” was dedicated to him….

PS…By the way vikas….if you are reading this….. I am sorry for mentioning you in public.

Kiss under misletoe

why this idiot boy don’t understand ?” .

Christmas night Short love story(in hindi) 

(for हिंदी  रीडर click the लिंक)

Everyone were Dancing and Singing with happiness. It was Chirstmas night.

They both were dancing hand in hand , matching beat to beat. And Suddenly a romantic song started playing , thus they separated themselves from dance floor. GIRL moved to a corner and sat on a chair, BOY moved and stand beside her. GIRL asked BOY to come closer with help of indication. As the boy bend closer and put his ear near girl face so that he could hear her , She said ” I love you” and very lightly her lips touched his cheek . The Boy said “I think I am getting more mad after dancing.”As if he didn’t heard what she said  and he moved to dance floor once again.

The Girl saw him moving in dance floor and thought “why this idiot boy don’t understand ?” . And she too moved after him in dance floor.

Friends turning strangers-the reality behind word the friend circle.

We were girls, it was obviously that we do gossips, and sometimes our ego clash, sometimes we misunderstood each other. But one thing that I never understood was why we friends would never openly discuss our issues that we had problems and instead preferred bitching at each other’s back.

Today I am going to write the reality behind word the- friend circle.  

I have never been so interactive may be because it’s my second nature. I do things by observation. And this is where I emotionally lack. 

When I took admission in college  I thought;  I would change  my this very basic tendency and  I made a little  bit change in my behavior.  I started interacting and became part of friend circle.  It was not a big group, but it was a group of six girls where everyone was different from other.

We were girls, it was obviously that we do gossips, and sometimes our ego clash, sometimes we misunderstood each other.  But one thing that I never understood  was why we friends would never openly discuss our issues that we had  and instead preferred bitching at each other’s back.

During midsession of second year in  college one of my group friend shifted near my neighborhood. I thought it was a good opportunity for me to be close friend to her. (I don’t want mention her name…..let call her –Y

So, when Y was new in her neighborhood she called me  every now and then for help because I was her college friend who lived near her house.  We did shopping together sometimes and sometimes we go for chilling.  I thought she became my good friend, but that was not a true.  One day my other close friend- A {let say – A) who was also in group showed me the other side of it. A said to me that ” you have started spending much time with Y and most of the time you are ;either busy helping Y or you go shopping with her.”{may be A was jealous of Y  }

I said to A that “it’s just that I am being good friend to Y who lives near her neighborhood.”  A said “it’s OK, till you are helping her, but don’t you see that  she is getting dependent on you.  Let her do her work herself.”

I agreed with A because I  also got  tired   helping Y  from time to time and I wanted my personal time to rest .

So whenever Y called me for any of her irrelevant work I would make excuses. I thought that it’s enough being good friend, now it’s time for Y to understand that she can do things alone.  And I started spending time with my other group friends.

I was happy that I took that decision, but I think Y was not happy with my sudden change in behavior.{because I was not acting like her pet anymore} .

When I started  spending more time with my other friends she started being nosy and bitching about it to other group members. In front me she acted as if I am her most favorite friend.

I understand in a group sometimes you have to cooperate with those you don’t like and same things started happening between us.I was not only the one who was having problems with Y tactics but there were others group members who disagree with her ……it was that we never come open in front of her.(we cannot outcast someone in oneday and this was the thing we called being in group.)

At  the end of  semester  one thing I analyzed in the group was that  none  of the friends were  close  or trusted   each other. Everyone have their own individual opinion.

After the college everyone got disconnected except  me, Y and another friend of our group say X.

X and Y were never so close friends so they never been much together.  After college we did had gathering for sometimes, but after some time we moved on and got busy with are different careers.{ some got married , some jobs and some still studying.}

Now you all might be thinking why I am writing all this…..because the fact that I understood that being in group and having big friend circle was of no use to me.  I am still alone … and feel stranger to them.

A few months back I got some very unfortunate news about Y. That time I didn’t have any moral fiber to act  as a good friend to Y.  Yesterday when by chance I met her in street….. My lips were sealed{having no words  of friendship}. I was neither smiling at her nor acknowledging her presence. This was the same thing what I saw in her eyes and her face.  I was stranger to her ….

The truth was  that  we became complete stranger to each other. A stranger who once knew each other.

SILENCE breaking Heart.

Sometimes I don’t  like to share my story but I know there  are many people out in this world who read my story(secretly)  and relate  themselves with this story. I want to  share the reality behind the words we often called as  love, passion and  feelings etc  but  they are simply words.The reality behind these words are sometimes different….

images (jkToday I will share the story  of  silence between two persons…… obviously the first person is me  and  second person is my silent friend. I wanted to remind him how the base of our relation was  build and which  is all in vain now.

We met through Facebook  ….. a social network site,  may be  that is the reason that now we never talk or chat . OK, I am not saying ..its wrong thing. Everyone meets new people and make friends through  Facebook . But we were not like them (at least this is  what I thought). You told me I am special to you and i trusted you , i told you all my secrets and  insecurities .  Although we were from different cities but one day you came to meet me and i saw your face … the real person you. You were lean and decent. I looked in your eyes ….they were yellowish white ( actually  you told me that recently you have  recovered from jaundice fever.) I still remember how I smiled at you and you were there with me…

Do you remember how we use to  go for dating  …it was fun. I  drive my scooter and you sat behind me. Those times were wonderful and I still cherished them. When we were away, we use to call each others  and sometime during night  we even had …. ( never to be discussed openly) talks. I know times never returns back, but I miss those calls from you.

We were close ..and some times we were like life-partners , we shared ever problems and secrets . I really miss those connections now.

I don’t want to blame you because I  know its not your fault…. long distances , phone bills, internet bills are really are the  things to be blamed .  Now we both are so busy… busy  that I never directly  call you…. or say ” hello!” . We both are trying to manage our own career and jobs….. Do you think I am giving excuse to you ?  may be yes…

I want to be honest ….I want to rebuild those connections again.  But are you honest to me….?  Did you ever said to me that “I am not happy with this kind of friendship  or love or dating system  we both are following.”

“NO,NO, NO and Big  NO”  You never said anything  to me… nor in Facebook ,nor in  twitter , nor  in whats App ,nor in hangout or had a phone call …. or anything  ….there was just a dead silent…

images (8)Sometimes i feel like why ???WHY  I AM doing this….writing a whole blog post on you. ...JUST TO GET YOUR DAMNED attention....AND BREAK THIS SILENCE  between us.

PS:- I know, i am quiet  bad writer who write about her own personal life …But if you have ever seen me in reality  you would  never  be  able to  recognize me because ever coin has two face. 

We all have one such person in our life who  is very important to us. Maybe that person is important because we make them feel important. Sometimes it is necessary for us to remind them, that its relation between us that only matters and not the person itself.

Finding true friendship

We all need friends in life. Friends are those who accept you for whatever you are, they are the ones with whom you share your happiness and your sorrows. True friends are hardly seen in this world. But whenever you get them never lose them.
I have a Chaddi buddy friend; well not actual chaddi buddy friend but a friend who actually looked me when I was miserable.
This is about how actually I met her and how we had our friendship.
She lives in my neighborhood and I knew her as my senior. Yes we studied in same school but in different standard.
Firstly living in same colony doesn’t mean you identify every kid and I was such a rough minded kid that I never approach any one by myself. She approached me and I just said okay to it.

Days passed and we became close, our relation became so complementary. It was like “ek ke sath dursra free”. Nobody could separate us.
She was more talented than me, she could dance, and she could sing and even paint and draw. I always try to copy her and wanted to be like her. This is where I lack behind.

When you had a beauty some people always try to spoil it. Same thing happened with our friendship.
We were growing teens and obviously we had some crushes. Such secrets that we share with our best friend. Mine was cute boy who also lived in our neighborhood and was one of the common friends. I shared every feelings I had for him with my best friend. She was so loyal to me that she always keeps my secrets.
One day I decided to tell my crush about my feelings for him and I asked my friend that will she help me and she said “yes”. I never asked her about her feelings or the way she thought about boys.

When I said about my feelings to my crush my friend was with me like my backbone. But ever thing got destroyed with his “no”. He said he didn’t feel the same for me and actually had feelings for my best friend.

Image result for envy with friendship
Now like every normal girl I was jealous and shattered by it. I didn’t take it well. My friend became my competitor. I just wanted to prove myself better from her . And thus I broke all the melody between us.

There’s a lot more …I need add to it ,but I will continue later…..till than wait for my next post.
PS: – It was my big mistake at that time and there is lot more bitterness that I actually had and still hiding.But I miss that friendship we had.I wanted every thing like before, but sometimes things can’t be change.

images courtesy: –,

Trust key in friendship.

“How could you be stupid to tell her our group plan?”

“No yaar! Trust me. I haven’t told her anything important of our plan.”

“No we couldn’t trust you anymore.”

“What! You think I have betrayed all of you.”

These questions run all the time in my mind. They don’t trust me any longer.

YES! Trust is the key of every relation you share……well! Love is another element, but trust is something which is needed between everything.

I was in class 7th, when l learned what trust is and what betrayal can do to your life. It was interclass chart making competition, a competition organized every year by school. But this year competition pattern was different. This year it was a group completion where different group will be competing against each other.

I thought that I and my friends will be in one group but teachers played their masterful game. We were selected randomly and were put in different groups. No friends are in one group.

The concept of teachers behind this arrangement was that we will be able to work as team and no one be leftover. It was bullshit for me. When we don’t know each other properly how will we work together?  But you know teachers are always teacher they wanted to do some new management experiment with us. Obviously we have do work for marks and grades in school. Everyone was eager and excited.  Questions were asked like how? Where and when?

The rules were given:- 1) Every person in group will do some task. 2) Stationary will be arranged by students. 3) Only one team will be winner.

The competition day declared and preparation was being done by every team in free periods. I my team there was – Ayushi, Neha, Varsha, Poorva and me. Everyone put their ideas and skill in project, there was lot of work which I was doing like drawing chart and arranging colors. This completion have transform class environment into some battlefield. Everyone was getting ready for war.  Especially it change friendship!

I was friend with Prati; we were good buddies who share everything about school gossips. That time when it was war in class I thought we are still friends who share gossips.  I was fool to think so!

Prati was my friend.
Prati was my friend.

Prati was secretly making conspiracy of which I was not aware . I was friendly with her as usual and like a fool I braged about my role as drawing artist and material being used. But I never mentioned anything about plans and things we are going do draw. There was only general talk about everything. I thought she is being casual with me as usual but I was not aware how sheepishly she was making me a duffer.

Next day when everyone in my team was working, including me. Prati with her team leader came to my team face to face.

The scene was of like in movies where two opposite parties confronting each other. I thought maybe they were there just distracting us from competition, but no! They were there to mock me actually. There team leader Gunjan said- “Ayushi, I didn’t knew that you were so stupid to give so much responsibility to such a member of your team who talk big about your plan with my team member.”

Ayushi-“I don’t know what are you talking about and none of my team member is such swank.”

Gunjan –“Actually I am talking about Anema. We all knew she is good at drawing but we didn’t know that she is so efficient that you gave her all things to do. We are glad we have some very alert members like Prati who always keep their ears open and are loyal towards their team.”

When everyone hear what Gunjan said about me.They started looking me with dagger eyes. I knew I have committed mistake by trusting Prati whom I believed as loyal friend of mine.  I put forward my side of truth but they didn’t believe me.  That day I was unofficially dump out of team .But I was still in because they don’t have right of putting me out of team without class teacher permission as I was selected by class teacher.

Everyone was seeing me with dagger eyes.

At that time I really wanted to thrash Prati on face, because she broke my trust as friend for just a silly competition. Winning is not always one should think of. On the day of competition ever y team gave their best except mine, because I was there ……but still not there in it.  They ignored me as if I am not present in team. I tried to help them but they just call me dishonest. When the team loss,they blamed me….  I said- “Yap! I did. Karo ab jo karna hai.” One thing happened well that neither Prati’s team was winner of competition. She did all this just to win competition but that day she loosed two things – Competition and my trust.

This incident taught me two lessons of life- 1) Never trust your friend who is also your competitor because they are jealous. 2) Working in team needs trust and understanding.

Ps: – This story is inspired by small incident of my life.It’s not fully true …..Specially the name’s and character in the story.