Love and jealously of a girlfriend.

I am jealous of my one friend.

It is said jealously is bad seed to soul.

And I am the good example of it…
A few months back one of my friend introduced me to her boyfriend. Her boy friend is smart but not as smart and handsome as my boy friend. Yes, we girls have bad habit of comparing each other; may be not in front of each other, but mostly at each other’s back.
So, she and her boyfriend look cute together and I am happy for her, but more than that I am jealous.
The reason behind my jealously is very typical, and one of the main cause behind my emotional breakdown nowadays.
Whenever I meet them, I can see how beautiful couple they are together. I wonder how these lovebirds live their life smoothly, and then I feel much more anger toward my own relationship with my boyfriend…..
It’s not that we fight, but the thing is we hardly talks…
Even though our relationship is much older as compared to my friend and her boyfriend’s relationship, but still we don’t share much intimacy like theirs.

I have tried to talk to my boyfriend …even gave him some hints.
I told him stories of some successful relationship and how it work, but he is like least interested sometimes.

I am going through a very emotional tragedy in which I myself is a villain.
I am confessing it; yes I have done it, to get attention. The attention; which I don’t want from the world, but only from my love.

The second reason for my jealousy is that hug. You know when we are in relationship and sometimes in close friendship, we often hug each other. It’s the way to show your love… a touch to another human being.
I never had that touch with my boyfriend, that kind of affection ….. Sometimes I think he is shy, but sometimes I think he is afraid.
In country like India showing your affection to your lover in public places is strictly taboo. I am not saying him to display it in public. But at least there are other ways to make someone realize that they are special.
When I saw my friend having all these pleasure, I am jealous.
My boyfriend never does that for me… and this makes me more frustrated.
So, this time I am giving him last chance. Well this is also a last chance for me also to be in love, after this I will never ever dare to love again.

PS:-We all had one such friend whose life makes us feel jealous. I am trying to sort some things in my life ,which are valuable to me. And when I see someone who is having that enjoyments which I wanted in my life then obliviously I feel jealous.

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Before we go away..

I want to stay,
But I can’t,
because no one wants me to stay…
And now every thing which we worth is gone.

Dedicated to ‘v’

After my last post and all the things I said last time , I am thinking very deeply… Some times I feel “if I did made mistake being  honest. Or I am regretting once again.”

It’s really depressing.. I can feel the emptiness. It’s like I lost myself.

I asked him about what he feels… Does he want to blame… He can say anything.. But Please say!( Break the Silence)

Finally he said- “OK, fine.
You wanted this.”

And then I ask God – “if he could give  me power to read people’s mind…”

I have turned rational… & sometimes this makes me  think may be he had  dumped me earlier, and now  I have given him reason to leave.

But now what.. Do you think i should cry… Or move on.

I was not expecting much.. From him….
I don’t know … What I should say… Because now nothing is left…

I want to stay,
But I can’t,
because no one wants me to stay…
And now every thing which we worth is gone.

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Love Remorse feeling(part-2)

Dedicated to ‘V’
I am struggling from my own feelings….. How do you feel when you are going do something wrong…. Do you feel selfish?
When I am thinking about it … trust me if you were here you could see me crying .
The reason behind my crying is that I am confused about my feelings…
A few years back, I have been friend to a person whom I met through Facebook…. Yes, the popular internet social media site. After meeting in real (face –to face) we became good friends and even started dating.
We had lot of fun that time…. (You know pangs of new relationship) chatting day and night… having all kind of idiot things. But we could never go further than that.(XXX). Because of my fear of break up and emotional attachment, etc. and now my fear is getting true…. We are getting apart.

There is silence between us…. Like we have bottle up our emotions and waiting for something.
There is no reason I could explain…. It just like we have lost interest in each other and got busy in our career making path.
I am already much stressed out with my previous one sided attraction/ love …. And I know this one is totally getting bad on me…
Yes, I am confused….

PS: – I am much scared of broken feelings……. You know when you love somebody, you expect them to love you back ….. And when you realize that they can’t love you back ….. Yes, it hurts.
Sometimes I feel rather than depending on any relationship to be happy … I would stay single and remain happy without it.

 

Love Remorse feeling (part-1)

Dedicated to -“A”
Today once again I saw him in my dream. I am not going to mention his name. Once upon time, I had feelings for him, but now I only regret it.
He was smiling in my dream and I was just gazing him. I don’t know why? This is happening often now days. And when I open my eyes, he is gone…. Like; he was never there.
When we like someone, we often think about them too much. They become part of our sub conscious mind and we never know how deeply we have got attached to them.
I am not guilty that I dreamed about him…. But I have regretful feeling because I am still connected with those feelings, which I should not have for him.
I am avoiding this feeling of guilt from last five years…. And I have successfully escaped from these trap feelings. It’s like cheating your own self.
But what I could do other than running….. I am not ready… not mature.
It is not that I have finally accepted it…. I know what I have gone through …. And now I know how to deal with it.

PS:- You know how its feel like …. and  some times it really hurts… I am not done with it.

*this post really had some of my emotions attached….. for more  read next post.

Guilty one

I cry at my guilt,
I suffer from stress,
And I shed tears.

Couldn’t they see  the change ?,
Can’t they understand me,
It’s the truth they see.

I say -“I will runway”,
But they know where.
I want to be lost,
but they hold me.

Running from your guilt,they say.
I say- “No, not this time.”

“I am not coward”I say,
“I will stand and wait,” I say.

I will manage,
Just wait and see.

And whenever I ask,
You have never answer,
And never  you Question.

But until I tell the truth
Only ,till then I may suffer,
Till the  right time come,
Let me be the guilty one.

Until then I have the guilt,
After that,let them choose the guilty one.
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Then you will realise

At some point of life you will may realise.

You will realise your big mistake.

The mistake you have done which cannot be compensate.

Continue reading “Then you will realise”