Being yourself.

Flower Life

I was feeling very lazy and exhausted. The door of my room was closed and everything in my room was scattered as usual. Suddenly there was knock on door “wake up dear and get ready soon we all have to go for marriage in church.”

I have totally forgotten about the marriage and reception in which my family was invited…. Actually I was not really interested in attending it, rather I should sleep and rest I thought. But my mother is not going to leave me alone. She knocked for second time and this time I said “I am getting ready.”

The marriage ceremony was little boring, I couldn’t help myself and was dozing in my seat next to mom. Every time the priest says something and I was putting effort to open my eyes.

After the marriage ceremony was completed and when married couples were taking family photos, I just walked swiftly outside the church to get some fresh air and shake up my sleepy brain. I knew after this I have to attend reception also, so I asked my mother can I go for shopping before that. She said “yes, you can go but don’t be late.”

After shopping when I was getting ready for reception, I saw myself in mirror -so dull and glow less my face have become I thought. “For whom I am getting ready and dressed up, no one is going to take interest in me. I rather put my specs on my face and look nerdy ,than putting eyeliner and mascaras on my eyes.” I didn’t put much effort in doing make up, but the last thing I did was I didn’t put on my eyeglasses just for change.

At reception when every group members were hugging and handshaking their friends, I was standing alone like a loner in search of friends or any one whom I could talk too. And then I saw my friend talking to a person whom I couldn’t recognize at first sight because I saw him after a long time. I was little surprised and nervous. I don’t know how to react because that person was someone who has put a lot of effect ….whose presences could easily shake me up. I don’t know whether to approach my friend and acknowledge that person standing next to her or just ignore it. The second option was easy one, but I took the first option and oblige his presences. For a second I couldn’t take my eyes off his face, but I can’t give him a hint or react to his being. So, the next thing which was safe for me was that I took my friend away from his company.

I was there to enjoy the party but the whole time my mind was recapping the situation I have been in past. I have moved on in my life so far but only to fall into another awkward relation, where I was unhappy and living with-” its complicated relationship.”

A person couldn’t have feelings for two people at a time … but I have. May be I was not fully moved on, and I was not happy with my current situation.

I have decided… that thinking practically have given me nothing so why to resent on things that could never happen. He is happy in his world and I should be happy in mine.

I thought “why to wait for someone to make you happy, I should be happy for whatever I am”. My friend said “let’s dance,” I smiled at her and said “let’s rock the dance floor.”

The whole party night I dance, till I got exhausted but  I was happy being myself.

PS: I have not been in my mind for a few days …. Yes, a lot of time it happens. Sometimes things don’t go as you wish. People try to put you down and sometimes your close ones are the one to disappoint you. And sometimes your past comes and stands in front of you .

They can’t change you or stop you from being you .

‘The day I was born’- Story of my birthday

cake

When I was in kinder garden my birthday was celebrated for first time in my family. A lot of people were invited and I was not aware what was the occasion. They gave me gifts and wished me happy birthday. It was the first time in my life I understood the meaning of – happy birthday,when people give you gifts and wishes for your wellness.

That birthday to till  this year’s birthday, I never had that  huge celebration..{ May be in future I wish for grand party}

My family never had much of birthday celebrations.There are many untold reasons …. But the important one is that my family never believes in huge celebrations, they believe in having simple happiness. So that was the first proper birthday of my life till now, because as kid I enjoyed taking gifts from people. (And I still do.)
We all believe birthday is very special day of our life; it’s a day we got introduce to this huge world. And its a day we want everything to be good and according to our ways. But what if every things  turn against you on your special day…{you would probably never want that.}
I still remember once in my birthday I got my school half yearly report card … which was really a very scary day. I knew I had not performed well in exams because I have failed in two subjects’ mathematics and science… and to get your report card signed by your parents was the last thing I wanted to do that day… and yes I did have received a lot of scoldings and I cried because report card ruined all my day. So your every birthday is not your best, sometimes it worst.
But what will happen if you forget it’s your birthday and others never remind you or that what if they also forget that it’s your birthday. I still remember once I got wishes one day later my birthday and that I was wondering; why they were wishing me today?{The more important thing was at least they remembered later.}

And now I am very great full to the modern technology of today i.e. ‘Facebook birthday reminder’ who remind you and your friends about your birthday, exception for those who kept it hidden. {For hiding age}

Well, I have kept it hidden too {not for hiding my age}…Because I actually expect too much. I expect that people who are important to me should only remember my birthday …and I want them to wish me without the help of any kind of reminder and that is the important thing…. When we are special ,other makes you feel special without being forced … and this is  feeling vice versa too i.e. when other are part of your life they make you believe they really do and show it to you through their ways.

So, this was the story of my birthday …..

Birthday comes every year …and it gives new memories every time. Its also remind you about your journey and how much ahead you have come in life…introduce you with new challenges  and remind you of your past mistakes.

PS: – It’s actually my birthday today …..{My mother and sweet sister reminded me today}. My family members are the only ones who acknowledge my being and I am really grateful being part of their life. I am actually disappointed a little too because, it also shows how much important I am to others.

it’s complicated love – commitment

IN A RELATIONSHIP

Love is not an easy thing to do ….. Sometimes there are sacrifices, a lot of drama and sometimes you have to take tough decisions.
When we enter in a relationship…it asks more commitment than you have ever thought in your life. Getting in relationship is easy part, but to maintain it and following it to ultimate level of love is the toughest part.
When I was in love this was the most difficult question that always came in my mind… what after that…certainly the next stage is not marriage (its middle level when love gets mature enough).
So, what’s before marriage and after love..?
It is actually being in commitment to that love you had for the person you love.
It was the thing …which puts in lot of doubts in my mind….

After listening too many love stories which include both real and fictions …. I couldn’t come to any of conclusion.
So here is one of a story based on episode told to me by my friend.
The story is about a girl Naina and her commitment with her love.
Naina was very smart and intelligent. She came in Bhopal for her higher education. While pursuing her college education Naina met a boy who was studying with her in college. They started liking each other. Naina was from a family whose beliefs were traditional. She already knew that she cannot seek future with the boy she loves. And now she cannot look back…. They were committed to each other and were together for three years. Naina thought she will continue her post graduation degree while doing a part time job in Bhopal. She took this decision so that she doesn’t have to get apart from her lover. Although the boy she loves never talks or discusses anything related the future they seek or anything related to being together.
After Naina had completed her post graduation degree, she easily got a good job in Bhopal. But it was the fate that played its game. The boy she loves went away from Bhopal and said he couldn’t return because his family is having some kind of crisis.
Naina did wait one year and half for the boy in hope that he will return. She also calls him often but there also he didn’t reply much except that he loves her but couldn’t be with her.
Naina family has started pressurizing her to return back home and do marriage with the person of their choice. She is totally heartbroken. She is committed to the love of a person she cannot have future…

Conclusion: – Many of us had fall in love with someone we cannot be with ….. It doesn’t mean that we can stop loving them. Yes, it’s difficult to stay truly committed to that one relation …but thing which matters is love and being with one you love.

PS: – I didn’t write what happened in end… whether Naina returned her home to her family or not. It’s actually that Naina is a modern woman who is independent and having well salaried job … do you really think she will return home to her family… Just for getting married to the person she doesn’t even know.

Friends turning strangers-the reality behind word the friend circle.

We were girls, it was obviously that we do gossips, and sometimes our ego clash, sometimes we misunderstood each other. But one thing that I never understood was why we friends would never openly discuss our issues that we had problems and instead preferred bitching at each other’s back.

Today I am going to write the reality behind word the- friend circle.  

I have never been so interactive may be because it’s my second nature. I do things by observation. And this is where I emotionally lack. 

When I took admission in college  I thought;  I would change  my this very basic tendency and  I made a little  bit change in my behavior.  I started interacting and became part of friend circle.  It was not a big group, but it was a group of six girls where everyone was different from other.

We were girls, it was obviously that we do gossips, and sometimes our ego clash, sometimes we misunderstood each other.  But one thing that I never understood  was why we friends would never openly discuss our issues that we had  and instead preferred bitching at each other’s back.

During midsession of second year in  college one of my group friend shifted near my neighborhood. I thought it was a good opportunity for me to be close friend to her. (I don’t want mention her name…..let call her –Y

So, when Y was new in her neighborhood she called me  every now and then for help because I was her college friend who lived near her house.  We did shopping together sometimes and sometimes we go for chilling.  I thought she became my good friend, but that was not a true.  One day my other close friend- A {let say – A) who was also in group showed me the other side of it. A said to me that ” you have started spending much time with Y and most of the time you are ;either busy helping Y or you go shopping with her.”{may be A was jealous of Y  }

I said to A that “it’s just that I am being good friend to Y who lives near her neighborhood.”  A said “it’s OK, till you are helping her, but don’t you see that  she is getting dependent on you.  Let her do her work herself.”

I agreed with A because I  also got  tired   helping Y  from time to time and I wanted my personal time to rest .

So whenever Y called me for any of her irrelevant work I would make excuses. I thought that it’s enough being good friend, now it’s time for Y to understand that she can do things alone.  And I started spending time with my other group friends.

I was happy that I took that decision, but I think Y was not happy with my sudden change in behavior.{because I was not acting like her pet anymore} .

When I started  spending more time with my other friends she started being nosy and bitching about it to other group members. In front me she acted as if I am her most favorite friend.

I understand in a group sometimes you have to cooperate with those you don’t like and same things started happening between us.I was not only the one who was having problems with Y tactics but there were others group members who disagree with her ……it was that we never come open in front of her.(we cannot outcast someone in oneday and this was the thing we called being in group.)

At  the end of  semester  one thing I analyzed in the group was that  none  of the friends were  close  or trusted   each other. Everyone have their own individual opinion.

After the college everyone got disconnected except  me, Y and another friend of our group say X.

X and Y were never so close friends so they never been much together.  After college we did had gathering for sometimes, but after some time we moved on and got busy with are different careers.{ some got married , some jobs and some still studying.}

Now you all might be thinking why I am writing all this…..because the fact that I understood that being in group and having big friend circle was of no use to me.  I am still alone … and feel stranger to them.

A few months back I got some very unfortunate news about Y. That time I didn’t have any moral fiber to act  as a good friend to Y.  Yesterday when by chance I met her in street….. My lips were sealed{having no words  of friendship}. I was neither smiling at her nor acknowledging her presence. This was the same thing what I saw in her eyes and her face.  I was stranger to her ….

The truth was  that  we became complete stranger to each other. A stranger who once knew each other.