STEPPING IN WOMANHOOD.

Till fifth grade we girls wore baggy bloomers ,getting rid of those baggy bloomers was really like feeling grown up.

Sometimes when you spend much time in religious activities you started being thoughtful. Your thoughts can be moderate but your lifestyle remains same.being nun2
Catechism changed my spirit of beliefs. At times I started imaging myself like nun.

But it’s not your imagination that changes your character; it’s that circumstances that you go through. In those days I was also going through some new changes of my life. I was keeping my first step in womanhood.
There are things which you can’t ask your father; there are things you hide from your brother. There are many things which female species have and male don’t understand. When I got my first period I was just playing with my dolls and doll house.

Yes, I am talking about the changes that every person go through ,when they realize they are growing.
I felt little pain in my abdomen and it started. I was already aware that –kabhi Na kabhi toh ye hona tha. Because at those time the moral values class was unofficially turned into physical and mental education class. Even it turned out into most interesting class of those times. The girls discuss every physical change they experience during recess with their friends. I although trying to be ignorant because its sign that you are growing which I never wanted to be.
My mother and sister were keepers of my secret. They started escorting me at times of period like I was holding something underhanded. One day they told me its womanish thing and a universal secret. I don’t mind it at all but there were times like I felt offended of being girl.

They were like:-
• Not eating pickle ant touching pickle bottle.
• Not to play with male group especially at that time. ppperokl
• Not to talk about your body problems openly.
• Don’t wear miniskirts.
• Don’t play in open area.
• Don’t keep your hairs open.
So many things prohibited that I protested some times.
I was not going to be nun that was for sure because I can’t survive these prohibitions, how will ever I follow their rule regulations. I was questioning why I have to grow so fast. My brother never had these problems as he was a boy. I know every human being go through physical changes sooner or later but like every girl I had many difficulties in accepting this universal truth. Especially the truth that young woman should be shy, do all household work and man / boy do all outside work and enjoy their life without having pain in abdomen.
I have also started noticing my body transformation both outer and inside. One the funniest things that happen were sudden change in my undergarments (underwear) actually…
Till fifth grade we girls wore baggy bloomers …but after these periods and womanhood thing happened, my mother bought for me new panties. These are general things now, but at that age getting rid of those baggy bloomers was really like feeling grown up. Especially when you study in girls convent school you can’t escape uniform checking, because they even check what you wear inside. Sometimes you really feel embarrassed when they see what color bloomer you wear.
I was enjoying the new woman hood era I was stepping in. But sometimes the guidance I get from our elders like mother, sisters, aunties etc they real terrorize my mind like early pregnancy / teenage pregnancy due to unsafe sex, rapes, etc and all hidden secrets of womanhood.

Today when everything is so modernize, I know girls have become more conscious of these changes. They take more care about it and every latest version of information that once I don’t have in my time, i.e. 10 yrs before. I have even heard that C.B.S.E schools had made compulsory physical education class rather I should say sex education class for teenager to make them aware of sex diseases like STD, AIDS etc. But during my days only science class and internet was our information source.
PS: – These are changes that every girl goes through; we should not feel ashamed of what we are. This is how God made us. Periods and womanish things are still not discussed openly at some places. A lot taboo is made on girls. I have gone through it all and still facing it. But you know I am proud of whatever gift God has given me.

School punishments are given by frustrated teachers.

I am not saying that whatever breakdown I have gone through is because of my convent education. I am saying that I have turned into different personality because I have been through a bad learning environment.

Have you ever visited circus where animals do whatever their trainer make them do. Like ringmaster make lion dance in fire or elephant stand in one leg. If you ever visit my School you will have this same feeling.

During my first five years in convent school I totally lost my stubborn attitude, they turn me into robot like do this and don’t do that. I was turned into zombie. But I got recovered when I started attending classes in church -Catechism. I am Roman Catholic; it’s my religious belief from birth. So,I  am member of a church and was taught all its rules and principles.Honesty, being meek, truthfulness, gentle and kind are virtues I followed when I was young. Church turned me into rational person, I am not lying. Sachi!

catechism class
catechism class

In my fifth grade I was so honest that they whipped me, but still I never told the lie. Actually I have not completed my homework one day. When class teacher asked about it ,instead of making some silly excuse. I told her truth-and I got thrashed in my face. In those days beating pupils was not forbidden in India. I gently took every pain, even got red faced for weeks but I remained adamant. I got beatings for my mistakes which were –

• not completing home works
• sleeping in class
• not giving right answer
• talking with other girls
• wearing wrong uniform

• being untidy
And so on… even when we don’t deserve it we have take punishments.

I still remember one of the incident happened with me. It was my Hindi teacher, she told us to write an essay in Hindi. She wanted  that essay should be without any spelling mistakes, without scribbling marks and neat and tidy. I did my homework same way she wanted, even to make it look good I have written it in bold and clear handwriting, otherwise my handwriting was very timid as if ants were running in my copy. In that homework I put all my wits to make it good. But when she checked my note copy she called me in front of whole class accused me saying that I have not done my homework from my own instead I took help from my parent or someone elder. I was very meek and when she accused me I felt so humiliated that even though I have completed homework myself  I started crying  .  I said “no ma’am, ye home work Maine hi kiya hai (I myself have done the home work)”. She slapped me hard and said “you are lying”. She even plucked my ears so hard that I felt –ye inhe keech ke lamba karde gi haathi jaise!.( she will pluck my ears to make them look like elephant ears).

  I cried but she didn’t listen instead she punished me and forced me to accept that I am lying and homework is done by my parent.I was threaten by this incident so much that I never told my parents  that how my cheeks got swollen.

Sometimes teachers give you punishment to take out there frustration on you. This is what I believe.I am not saying that my all teachers were crazy and taking out there frustration on us (students). May be they get so much frustrated when they teaches, that they want take it out on some of us who are weaklings and can’t payback them.

One of my friend who have gone through same kind partiality, even said that –Ki agar abhi kahi raaste Mai dekh gai na koi mujhe ,mai pakka inhe thok dugi.(If I ever met them again ,I will surely kill them.)

Being Christian doesn’t do any favors in convent school. Instead they pressurize you more. Thus, if you think that I was happy in convent school because I learn more about my religion and was studying well than my answer is “no!”.

I was good at reading bible, even come first in catechism, but I was not good at studies. I was average student and everything which I achieved during that time was because I was pressurize by some of those people in society who thinks coming first and doing everything well makes you perfect.

Conclusion:I am not saying that whatever breakdown I have gone through is because of my convent education. I am saying that I have turned into different personality because I have been through a bad learning environment.Present teaching environment in India is much better than what it was 10 yrs earlier. Today when there are many teenage suicide cases and teenage crimes ,Government in India have put so much rules and restrictions on teachers that they can’t even scold us, when we are really doing something wrong.

I being raised in such safe family and religious environment that I never thought of doing anything wrong that could hurt my family, teachers and friends. Whenever I look back in my life at those pity incidents when I felt down and depressed, I laugh out. Those at one time look big trauma, now seems so silly phase of life.

It’s Big deal getting admitted to a convent school.

In India its parent who decides in which school their children will study. For me ,I thought its best what my parent decided ,because I was just a 4 yr kid who only knows how to play ,eat and sleep.
Decision was made after long discussion between my parents that which school I should go. My mother wanted my admission in a public school which was near my house and my father wanted my admission in reputed school. Thus I was send to my sister school . Like every child who first have to face admission test, I have also gone through this procedure. But my admission test was bit different, my parent s still tell me the story about it and make me feel awkward.
Actually it was school’s wise principal who took my admission interview and she was nun. It was my first interaction with a nun and I was being very grumpy not even interested that it is my interview.

admission test
admission test

Nun-“what is your name?”

Me- ‘Anee Lakra.'(I was being moody and my answer were straight with no etiquette)

Nun- “what is your age?”
Me-“4”

Then she showed me different shape with different colors. First was triangle of blue color, second was circle of red color and so on. I gave her almost all answer but I was getting bore and have lost my patience. So at last when she asked me about names of animals and bird I know, I said – “why should I tell you?” she gave me a stern look. I started looking at my parents so that I could hide from her stern eyes. But my mother looked at me with sympathy said “you know the answer Na beta?” I nod my head .I tried to remember the names of animals and birds and said “elephant, hen, lion …..” and so on. Thus at my first interaction only I got the tag of stubborn kid. The interviewer said although I said almost every answer but she felt I am still weak ,instead of promoting me in new standard she said I need one more year in nursery standard . So I was once again in nursery, instead 1st grade. But at least I got admission in that convent school.

PS:-Studying in convent school in those days was a fuss and for middle class family like mine it, was really something great you have accomplish. But I was unaware that the place I am getting admitted will change me forever.

First Interactions with the world

Your first interaction with world is when you go to nursery school, where you meet new persons other than your family member. From that point if life ,its you who decide how you are going to be with the world. Good or Bad it’s up to you.

Being little princess.
Being little princess.

My story starts with a little girl, her name is Anee. Yes, that girl is me. I was different from very beginning. My mother use to call me slow learner, because I learn things very slowly. But I had a very different point of view for myself. I was not at all worried about what others thoughts. It doesn’t matter how many times I have to change my nursery school. I am not going to let them change me. I thought I was some kind of princess and I use to brag about everything I have my dress ,my bag ,my books ,my pencil-pens and everything. My family is not rich or that we live leisure’s life. My father was only earning member of family and I was youngest in family.

My parents gave me what was required like books, clothes, colors pens etc, they were stationary required for nursery schools. I was studying in pr-primary school. “Vivekananda Shishu Mandir” this is what I say when anyone ask my school name.

I was the best in my class. But the truth is no one has ever failed in nursery. I was fool to think that I am superior from all kids and that why I never talked or played with them… But my reality soon exposed when the teacher of nursery class gave my annual report saying that I have difficulty in making friends because I never talk. I was really feeling like -how could she say that? I am a princess. Princess never talks to common kids.

“OK, next year the school is again going to change so I don’t have worry about what have nursery teacher opinion ”, this what I was thought. But next year I was send to a convent school with my elder sister, and from that time my life changed.

Like a flower bud in garden,
Ready to blossom,
Like a fish,
Learning to swim,
I was set to go on my own in this world.

PS:- Every person at some point of time think they are unique from others , and I thought that from beginning of my life.