I am 26 years .. This year I will be 27. This reminds me I have reached a marriageable age.
Ha ha …but I want to laugh at the fact. Because I am still not ready. Nearly all my friends and mates who have studied with me are getting married or thinking about marriage. And here I am sitting in my office desk thinking about-“ how to tell my parents that I am an adult now and could take my own care.”
Yes …..It’s really funny na ! My parents still think I am an adolescence.
I have so many things about which I want to tell my parents , but I feel embarrassed ….because I already know my parents would never understand me.They won’t accept me .
It’s all about how much screwed up I am. And how much I have hidden about myself.
Basically I am always honest to them… but I can’t tell them about my relationship status. Because they won’t understand.
I deal with people….and I know a lot. I am still taking experience . But there is a thing which eating me up.
I don’t follow any conservative life. But still as I move around and meet new people I have to keep a poker face on.
I have been depressed and been in bad emotional trauma. When ever I have been attached to and started loving someone ; they already preparing to leave me. This time I have nothing to lose also …because I have given it all.
And you know what? I have become so habitual….that I myself say Goodbye to them.
Yes I am going through it….last finale. Yes I am waiting that #person would finally say goodbye to me… I secretly wanted to marry him …but the complications in life….Which reality has created . I don’t think there’s any hope.
I am not going to fall for anyone now….because I am already in pit.
And when I see other couples happily living married life… I just want to say one thing ….not everyone is so fortunate.
PS . It’s hurting me lot …to letting him Go. Because I can’t let anyone suffer with me .
Basically I am tired of feeling frustrate… sometimes I do think why I am born.
I don’t even want to explain how I am living. These three months of my life was like sea saw… sometimes I feel like I am the lucky one and sometimes it like I am living the most awful life ever.
My greatest fear is living away from those whom I loved. That’s why I don’t easily get involve with anyone…. May be it’s my destiny to live alone . Because everyone ,whom I have ever loved ; gave me some big excuse for leaving me….. I am honest and loyal. I have crossed every limit to reach them, fight for them…do whatever I could.
But I can’t expect anything back. Getting reciprocate love…..Is not just what I get. I am bad. Bad in decision regarding Love. I have been in love many times… I don’t know why? I always fall for the trap…
I am not timepass or any object….that is used and thrown. I am someone who is looking for a love that is continuous …forever and everlasting.
But ,whenever I fall for someone . I never even get the same…every time . …Sometimes the person can’t Love you ,because he love someone else.
Sometimes ,person loves you. But don’t understand you . Your feelings are nil for them and you are never their first priority.
Sometimes the person loves you …he will do everything a life partner does for you, but you can’t expect lifelong commitment . Because it’s the society who will decide….. (Your marriage.)
I have lost a lot in these three months…or I say in these three years. But I have gained too ….that is. How to move on ….because your happiness never depends on Someone.
Start loving yourself….(I am saying this because I can’t ). I am hungry… I slept empty stomach ….in frustration.
But more than hunger of food I am feeling hunger of affection that I truly deserve. I am hungry for love and care. Someone who just say I will be there, I am for you only you……
But than I look back …I look at all those men I have loved and still loving….do you believe I would be loyal now. Would I be able to give someone the love that he deserves. No! No ! I have already given every bit of it to these men … And I am all broken in pieces… I would now never be committed /loyal to the person who would truly love me.
And yes if he ever ask me whom do you love most … I would first look back to all of you and then I would look at myself and I would say m…… I still don’tknow.
You are going to read one of my dark secret. I have fallen in a very dark pit and I don’t even know how I would come out of this darkness. In my last blog post I have wrote my fantasy about a person.
And what if you have absorbed his darkness into you ….. for me it’s like I have bought a dress ,which is out of my budget and I am in big debt .
I don’t even know which way I would go….feeling miserable. Even though; I already have known the truth. Whenever I get the reality check my heart sunk like the titanic.
It’s like whenever I am with him ….he is my world. Living separate and alone would seriously make me insane….i am wandering in dark forest and piercing my heart once again. I won’t come out this time and won’t be able stand….
I am just done with myself now…. I know have crossed some limits now….
PS.I am living my life without thinking …..i know now…..who I can be.
One of the problem which we (woman) suffer is the sudden change in hormone level of our body which creates all kind of cravings in us. India is country where it’s a taboo when woman who is single talks about her physical and emotional need.
It’s not that I have never been in a relationship…. But yes I have virginity tag with me. This means I have never ever tried to have any sexual relationship. It doesn’t mean I don’t have any kind of desire, but it’s actually that my standards are extreme. I have a very good self control on my desire. But there are times when you feel emotionally exhausted.
I know many of you may be reading my blog post ……for first time so for …them a little brief info. About my blog I am Anne. I am sole admin of this blog…and yes! this blog is basically about how to deal with life situations…
So, what kind of situations I am actually dealing in my life can be pointed like this:-
If you have recently gone through a breakup which was not actually a break up…(confused)
You made new friends …because you are turning from an introvert to an extrovert.
You are woman who is open minded…but wait! World actually don’t know that.
And because you are newly single and exploring the world…everyone doesn’t trust you.
I am going to explain these situations in detail please click
तेरी आंखों की चमक, तेरी होठों की मुस्कान सब खो चुकी है। तेरे बोलने का अंदाज ,तेरी हंसी की मिठास अब लुट चुकी है। तू बिखर गया है ,तू अकेला सा हो गया है तू बिखर गया है ,तू अकेला सा हो गया है ना तू सुनता है, ना तो सुनाना चाहता है।। तू अकेले में रोता है ,तू दीवारों को ताक ता हैं। तू दिन भर यही सोचता है -“मैं ही क्यों ?” तू दिन भर यही सोचता है- “आखिर में ,मैं ही क्यों ?”
तो कैसे हो तुम । मुझे माफ करना मुझे ऐसे ओपन लेटर नहीं लिखना चाहिए। पर असल में मैं यह लेटर सिर्फ तुम्हें नहीं लिख रही ।तुम्हारे जरिए अपनी भावनाओं को पूरी दुनिया को किसी न किसी तरीके से बताना चाहती हुँ। किसी को भी अपनी निजी जिंदगी के बारे में कभी इस तरह नहीं कहना चाहिए। पर यह तो सिर्फ एक लेख है जिसमें मुझ जैसे व्यक्ति अपनी भावनाओं को कहानियों और लेखों के जरिए जाहिर करते हैं। इसलिए मैं तुम्हें एक ओपन पत्र लिख रही हूँ। ताकि इस लेटर के जरिए मेरी कुछ बातें दुनिया वालों तक पहुँच सके। पिछले दिनों से मैंने बहुत कुछ जाना ।और आज मेरी सोच ऐसी है, की अब मुझे लोगों को देखकर डर नहीं लगता । please click link below👇 for more reading… It is link to original blog post.
प्रिय दोस्त, कैसे हो तुम? क्या हालचाल? मुझे लगता हैं तुम जैसे भी हो …पर कुछ न कुछ मेरे जैसे ही हो। मुझे तुमसे बहुत सारी बातें करनी है । तुमसे ये पूछना है कि तुम आज कल कैसे रहते हो। कभी कभी मुझे तुम्हारादर्द समझ आता है और कभी कभी तुम्हारी याद भी आती हैं। जब हम आख़िरी बार मिले तोह बहुत सी बातें हुई थी और बहुत सी अधूरी रह गई। तुमने मुझे अपने बीते सालों के बारे मैं बताया औऱ मैंने भी थोड़ा बहुत कुछ तुम्हें अपने बारे में बताया था। पर बीते कुछ दिनों मेरे साथ ऐसा बहुत कुछ हुआ कि मुझे फिर से तुम्हें अपनी कहानी अच्छे से ,,,,,मतलब शुरुआत से शुरू करनी होगी। जिसमें से आधा तो तुम जानते हो और आधा कुछ ऐसा है कि मुझे अब उन बातों मतलब समझ आया हैं। तो ये सच हैं कि तुम मेरा पहेला प्यार हो। औऱ तुम्हारे ही कारण मेरी जिंदगी में बहुत सी चीजें हुईं जो अगर न होती तो जिंदगी में इस मुकाम पे न होती। please click link to read more…https://liferebooting.blogspot.in/2018/03/part-1.html